I am a bit depressed right now; no clear direction or goals to pull me on. I haven’t done anything noteworthy or useful to humanity with my life. And now I cower under the shadow of old age and final dissolution.

My religious observance is a joke – not even that as at least a parody is a cheap imitation. The pity is that even if I had a do-over I have no idea what I would want to do. I have probably only a few years left and it is best not to waste them but what to do? Only heaven is eternal. I am afraid of dying and judgment.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control – I seem to have none of these in great supply. I can only pray for guidance as there are no sure answers from this side of heaven. I am alone.

And yet I cannot give up my appeals and crying and apologies to God. I  wonder – does He hate me because I am often lukewarm in keeping His commands; not lukewarm in believing He is though, and yet the demons believe and tremble. I also tremble.

Do angels have doubts? They must have a certain amount of free choice if a portion of them fell from grace. Can one have doubts having seen the face of God – blessed are those who have not seen His face and yet still believe. How am I different from the demons if I believe but haven’t the fruits of the Spirit? Perhaps I am a demon. Then if I am, I will go to hell believing in God and even praise His name because I know He is Goodness and Righteousness even though I have failed Him. I still pray, “Lord let me just sweep the streets of Heaven”. I joke, “How hard can it be if the streets of made of gold?” And I am serious; I don’t want to sit at His right or left hand, I don’t want a position of power. I just want to sit in the background, in the last row of heavenly observers, craning my neck to get a glimpse of Glory. Let me clean up after all the others and perform the most menial tasks. Let me serve the angels and wash their wings or wait on their tables. I would carry a spear or beat the drums of war if there are such things. Just let me go to Heaven so I can gaze on Glory and Goodness.

But if I must go to hell then let me suffer the burning and shame by praising God from there because I know that demons and the greatest of the demons are wrong, as are the atheists (though I don’t judge them). I deserve their agony as well.

Perhaps in a million years God will relent and have a change of heart even as Moses argued with God and won – and He will let me and others pass across the impassable gulf. I can only hope.



About jimd

Christian, ESL teacher, retired computer programmer, former US Army soldier, former Peace Corps Volunteer. Like to paint, build and fly rc airplanes, play guitar, ride unicycle, juggle, and hang out with my university students. Am currently residing in a foreign country but I do love America.
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